Unlovable

We all have played cards before, right? Well, my favorite card game was spades but, in this card, game called life all I was ever dealt was love and pain I mean no spades, jokers, aces, kings or even queens Just the lowest cards in the deck. What are you supposed to do when your man isn't right, your momma never liked or loved you, and your daddy never wanted you. What do you do when you never had a dream about your future or what you wanted to become when you grow up because you never learned how to dream? All you ever learned to do was to survive. Shoot all I ever dreamed was how to live day to day, to wonder if I would eat today, be beat today, cussed out today, if I would be loved today, to just simply have a life of joy and peace with a little bit of happiness today. What it my dream was to be safe, loved, to just be able to take care of my family one day? What do you do when your man tells you that you don't have any dreams, goals, passion or fight? When all my life all I did was fight! Fight to be loved, fight to be seen, fight to eat, have clean cloths, fight to live in your own home, fight from being abused by your mother, fight because of my light skin. A dream was something happy people did, I didn't have time for that because has a child I had to figure out what and how my siblings and I are going to eat, keep the lights on, wash my cloths, find a way to and from school, get good grades, try not to doing anything to get beat that day, fight my mother's battles and try not to be seen or heard. Is it wrong to only want to be loved to take care of my family, If I had a dream, it would be to just be happy, have a loving home, family and friends. To be a great mother unlike mines was to me. To have a honest and faithful loving husband who understands me, who doesn't judge me or what to change me, to do my part in our family. but then all of my dreams were crushed because they weren't what my man and the world thought that dreams should be. As a child I never felt loved or safe. I had to be strong for everybody else. I was never allowed to have my own feeling (you read that right) My feelings had to be whatever my mother's feelings were. I know my father, but I never knew my father. He was a married man who never wanted me or my mother and because he didn't want her she beat the hell bout of me but she loved him. What are you suppose to do when the two people that God put on this earth to love don't? One hates you and the other wishes that you were never born. With what they had going in in their own lives they couldn't love me or they simply chose not to love me. My life has been a journey of highs and terrible lows. I want to take you on my journey, a journey of a girl who never knew what unconditional love is because all the love that I ever got has come with conditions in some way that never were good for me.